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On this holiday morning, are you worried you didn’t choose quite the right gift for that someone special? I constantly strive, but wherever I look I’m bombarded with impractical ideas. Absolutely not, I don’t want a candle with a poultry aroma, because we’ll be cooking turkey. I also don't need a sunrise alarm clock, because opening the curtains open works just fine. I certainly do not want a facial mask containing fish-derived collagen, because said DNA comes from milt. Were I seeking fish sperm on my face, I would tickle some pollocks.

Seeking Inspiration From the Natural World

Therefore, if you’re always looking for inspiration, my advice is: take a lesson from the animal kingdom. Humans didn’t invent the act of giving. The practice has been around for over 100 million years, well before our species evolved. With a little help by evolution, wild animals have had creatures ample time to master gift-giving. Indeed, some spiders go so far as to wrap their presents!

Excluding fitness gear and other things I dislike, there are five main types of holiday presents: edibles, things for the home, bling, beauty products and clothing. Nature's creatures excels in every category.

Culinary Presents: From Protein Snacks to Gourmet Skewers

Certain cuckoo species offer their mates nutritious morsels such as bugs, amphibians, and reptiles. However, for those who like their meat skewered, then the butcher bird, or the butcher bird. Males impale their catch, such as insects and mice, onto pointed thorns and twigs to create artisan kebabs.

Some insects present to their suitors salivary offerings, yet these are not ordinary globs. These are scorpionfly spitballs, crafted with the freshest saliva sourced from swollen salivary glands of only the fittest males. This offering is packed with nutrients, a key reason why females prefer males with big balls.

An additional factor involves the most genetically robust males make the biggest spitballs. By "fit" I am not referring to physical appearance, although they probably do. I refer to “fit” in the genetic sense.

The gifts are given as a prelude to sex, so by choosing the male with the biggest package, the female is choosing superior genes. She then consumes the delicacy while mating but terminates copulation as soon as it is finished. Larger gifts result in extended mating sessions, during which the male can transfer more sperm and the female can’t mate with anyone else. This clarifies the male's motivation for with such an elaborate offering.

Homeware and Bling

Adélie penguins do not offer food, but they do present nesting materials. In Antarctica, where they live, one cannot find home improvement store, so the birds must gather their gifts from their surroundings. Every mating season, the males gather pebbles to begin constructing a nest. These crucial components are scarce, prompting some opportunists to pilfer stones from nearby nests. However, when a male presents a stone to a female, it signals his readiness for commitment. Think of it as the penguin equivalent of a diamond ring. The rock is not worn, however. If she also is interested, she accepts the pebble and places it into the nest. Then, following some final adjustments, they are ready to raise a family.

Regarding bling, crows excel at this gift category. Numerous accounts exist of people who made friends with wild crows and then been given bottle tops, screws, buttons and other shiny items. For instance, a couple in Florida even received a bracelet with a diamond by a crow they fed regularly. This is particularly endearing because while most animals give presents in the hope of scoring, crows apparently give simply for the joy of it.

The Pinnacle of Combination Gift: Sponges

In Western Australia, researchers have observed dolphins plucking clumps of marine sponge from the seabed and using them in interesting ways. On occasion, while foraging for fish, they place the sponges over their rostrum to shield their skin. At other times, when males want to court females, they don them as playful headwear before presenting them as gifts.

By doing this, dolphins ingeniously merge the last two categories of holiday gifts. Sea sponges serve as attire and skin protection. To make it even better, when males give their sponge hats away, they frequently adopt a curved posture and produce a whistling sound through their blowhole.

This is not the lackluster presents of domestic animals – such as a cat leaving a dead mouse in a hidden spot – or certain individuals. Dolphin presents are considerate, serve multiple uses, ethically gathered and presented with flair. There is a lesson for all of us. A popular song may have said all she wants during the holidays “is you”, but if I have one Christmas wish, it is to receive a sponge-hat-skin-protector from a cetacean who serenades me with style.